Behind the Art: Going Within
Going Within, 2024
Everything I need is within me.
The affirmation incorporated in this piece is an affirmation that has carried me through the past year, and it stands out as a defining motif in my late 20s.
I can struggle with doubt. The way doubt has held me back from showing up in the public space is on my mind as I write this. Overcoming that looks like just starting somewhere — anywhere.
So I’m starting here, with honesty and vulnerability.
Sharing my artwork, the truest expression of myself, has been difficult to do in recent years. I’ve encountered a lot in my decade of sharing on the internet. I’ve sold my work online and in galleries. I’ve been commissioned to create unique pieces for individuals, businesses, and families. I’ve tried new techniques and honed my craft with intention and love at its core.
I’ve had the best of experiences — like getting new opportunities and touching thousands of hearts with the messages I pour into my pieces — to the worst of experiences — like seeing my work stolen, repurposed, and cheaply exploited.
Unfortunately the worst experiences stand the test of time. I was deeply hurt and discouraged by multiple negative experiences that left me feeling reclusive and protective of my work. I stepped back from social media entirely for a long time, and I gained a lot from that. I released comparison, and the pressure to perform or please the people who supported my work for years.
But before that growth could happen, doubt crept in. I became doubtful about my ability to continue sharing these deeply personal creations of mine while maintaining boundaries that could serve to avoid a reliance on external validation. I doubted that people would respond to new iterations of my creativity, and about that, I was partly right. I’ve seen interaction with my design work drop significantly compared to the artwork I once shared freely. Truthfully, that left me feeling a bit despondent at times, reigniting the old doubtful thoughts swirling through my mind. So I stepped back even more, and stopped sharing anything for more than a year at one point.
Photos by Sam Chang
I gave myself the gift of not creating in the way that I was used to. As counterintuitive as it sounds, the space away from making and sharing my art gave me the chance to grow even more as an creative. It gave me the chance to simply be a person. To gather experiences and become an entirely new version of myself is an integral part of my process. And with these internal changes, my artwork went through a transformation too.
My work blossoms when I blossom. My mind finds inspiration easily when I give myself the time to daydream. My hands grow more capable when I let them try new things.
I actively worked on repairing my relationship with my creativity by shifting focus to creating simply for the joy of it. One of the fruits of that was my growing interest in photography. The photo which inspired this piece (pictured above) was shot by a dear friend in October, 2023. We did this with no intention outside of having fun with being creative. We let our inner children out to play during the shoot and I’m thankful for what that’s led to.
I chose to create a self portrait as a celebration of how far I’ve come. The crown arcing over the head was created using Adobe Illustrator, as a practice in creating patterns with simple shapes. It speaks to the divinity of the soul and the more literal patterns within the human mind, which can either propel us forward or keep us imprisoned.
Though I needed a break from creating in the way that gained me the most attention online, I’m grateful that I’ve never left behind the creative act. I’ve grown in my writing, design, and musical abilities over the last few years. I’ve found creativity waiting for me in everything I do, from the way I dress to the way I problem solve. It’s such an essential part of me that I doubt I’ll ever live a life free of creation.
And now with this deeper understanding of myself, my purpose, and my boundaries, I can recognize that I miss making and sharing my artwork with people.
So I’m finding new ways to do it now. Here on my blog I can be as messy and experimental as I please without the pressure of thousands of expectant eyes on me. And that is incredibly freeing.
I can pour my thoughts out here and pair them with the artwork born of those streams of consciousness, and, most importantly, I feel safe in doing so. I can create and share without having to rely on an arbitrary algorithm boxing me into a niche that is too small for my expansiveness. I can do all this without having to think about engagement or likes. I don’t have to do anything but create and share wholeheartedly, simply because I want to.
The white line flowing through the piece is a reminder of the freedom that can be found in letting the mind wander, the opportunities that can be found in following intuition — even when it doesn’t necessarily feel good in the moment — and the play that can be found in releasing expectations.
What I come back to every time is the fact that I have everything I need within me.
I have all the intention, all the validation, all the joy, all the passion, and all the love I need right here within. The tears are a consistent reminder that there is so much strength in being vulnerable, and right now for me, that looks like sharing myself again, despite the discomfort of starting over.
I am grateful to share the depth of myself with you and to create things that reflect who I am, what I believe in, and the direction I’m going. My work is tender, so please handle with care.
Thank you for being here.
